- A long time ago...
In a galaxy far, far away...
- What are you talking about?
- Well, uh, it's the--
From the beginning of star wars.
- But this is a show about christmas.
It's not about space.
- They have christmas in space.
- ♪ let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ♪
- Oh!
- Whoo! - Whoo!
- Ooh, that's cold. - Yeah.
- Oh, why can't they just put the Warehouse in, like, maui?
- Really? Because I love winter!
I love snowmobiling and snowball fights
And, ooh, and hot apple cider!
- Yeah, that's 'cause you're from, like, the rockies.
There's no air up there. Your brain--not normal.
- Really? This from a man who giggles at "grand tetons."
- You know what that means in french, don't you?
Oh!
- [laughs]
- [laughs] oh! - [snorts and laughs]
Ooh! Ooh, it's down my back!
Oh, who's-- okay, very funny.
Who's the child now? - Ooh!
- There's bombs around here, you know.
You could damage my tympanic membrane.
- It had, like, an arc. It wasn't even a--
- ♪ sounds of the season, now ring it all in ♪
- Okay, now this is awesome!
- Jingle, jingle!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mmm!
- Marshmallow! Good job!
- Artifacty "swiss-miss-hap."
Tasty blizzard in a cup!
- Hey, claude, so what's with the twinkle lights?
- God bless us, everyone.
- And in this corner, weighing in at a hulking 200 pounds,
Would be Joshua Donovan, hanging the gloves
That ali wore against foreman in the rumble in the jungle.
- Hey, josh. - Hey.
- All right, so what do those do?
- Oh, they make you see stars without hitting you.
- Myka! That's the original mistletoe.
Ahem! It is rather strong.
- [kissing sound] tetons.
- That has to come down.
- I will get that.
- So guys, this is the first time in ever I actually have
People in my life to spend the holidays with.
Figured we'd circle the yule log and eat figgy pudding.
- Oh. Wow. - It's awkward.
- What? Why?
- Pete and I are going home for christmas.
- Sorry, claude.
- Aw, well, I guess it's all right.
Joshua and I will just hang with Artie claus.
- What have you done to my office?
- I got you something very special,
And I think you're gonna love it.
- [groans] why?
- It's called a present. - [grunts]
- You're familiar with presents, right?
We earthlings exchange them
As a sign of affection and gratitude.
- No, no. Thank you but no thank you.
- Artie, it's a gift. Take it.
- Yeah, come on, Artie. Ho ho ho.
- All right, look, could we just stop all this merriment?
Come on, some of these are dangerous arti--artif--
[groans]
This is not the holiday counter at woolworth's!
- Oh, my-- [groans]
- Uhh! You see what I mean?
[thud]
- Ow.
[both laugh]
- Take it all down!
♪
♪ mama claus said santa
♪ why do you look so down? ♪
♪ christmas is a-comin'
♪ and you just been poutin' around ♪
- Oh, and dad, I almost forgot to tell you!
Today at school, we had a secret santa,
And this boy, matthew, he got me a phone case.
He's never even said hi to me,
But he knew my favorite color,
So I might have to give him a second look.
- That sounds awesome.
- [sighs] dad, you're working again.
- Oh, um, yeah. Sorry, honey.
- That's rude, you know.
- I'm all yours now, okay?
- Mom's right, you don't listen when women talk.
- Oh, yikes. When did you turn into a woman?
- Well, I'm almost at the decade mark.
That's a lot of life experience, you know.
- Mm-hmm, yes. I guess you're right.
I'm gonna have to keep up.
- Hey, why didn't you make the tree trimming?
Mom said you promised.
- Well, sometimes mom makes things up
Because she's mad at me, but, I mean,
She knew I couldn't make it this week.
I'm up against all these deadlines
At the new mall, honey.
I--I--I'm sorry, kiddo. I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Now, you tell this boy matthew
That your daddy's got a shotgun, okay?
And I will be wanting to meet him soon.
- Oh, dad, don't you dare!
- See? I was listening the whole time.
I love you, sweetheart.
- Love you too, dad.
- Mwah!
[muffled thud]
[thuds]
- Somebody there?
[thud]
[bang]
[footsteps]
[shattering glass]
- Hey!
What--what--what-- what the hell?
What are you-- what are you--
Aah! [gunshot]
Oh, je--
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
[shattering glass] No! Please, stop!
[dog barking]
No, no, no! [porcelain breaking]
- Ho ho ho!
[scraping]
- Oh, but colorado springs has this great light show.
- Ah, north canton has the pro football hall of fame,
The hoover vacuum cleaner.
- That's not even-- - Cancel your flights.
All trips are off. - What?
Artie, are you kidding me? - Artie, it's christmas.
- We've got a case. - [sighs]
- Well, are you sure that it's one of ours?
- Well, let's see. Home invasion.
The victim reported-- reluctantly--
That the intruder, and I quote,
"flew around the room in a cloud of light,
Then disappeared up the chimney."
And this is the police sketch.
- No.
- You have got to be kidding.
[dogs barking to jingle bells]
[joy to the world played on sleigh bells]
[Warehouse 13 theme]
♪
[upbeat music playing]
- Poor Artie.
Must be exhausting to be that grouchy
Without even time off for the holidays.
- You think he was like that as a kid?
- Whoa. I've never actually pictured Artie as a child.
It's disturbing. - Yeah, it is.
- Wait, haven't I ever showed you this?
- Oh, my god. Look at that.
He even looks happy.
Think he came out of the womb with those eyebrows?
- He once told me that sitting at that piano
Was his favorite place in the entire world.
- Wait, Artie plays? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
His dad was a professional musician or something?
- Taught composition at temple.
Sent Artie to juilliard.
But when he went to go work for the nsa,
His dad never talked to him again.
- So how do we put that face
Back on ol' crabby mcgrumpy pants?
- "gluckklavier?" "gluckklavier."
- Glue what to what?
- Oh, it's the make of the piano.
Picked up a little german at cern.
Never heard of gluckklavier, though.
- Bro, you're a genius! We'll find it.
- danke. find what?
- This piano! Artie's favorite place!
- The actual piano? Claudia, how?
- We're in the object finding business.
Artie grew up in philly, right?
So, we'll start by calling piano tuners.
Figure out who worked on gloocky-glockenshpielers.
- What are you gonna do?
Search every piano tuner in philadelphia?
- How many can there be?
- Well, from the combined 215 and 610 area codes,
486.
- So we'll split 'em up. Come on, guys!
Worst case scenario, we rack up a mondo phone bill.
But if we succeed, we give Artie
The most awesome present ever!
- ♪ well it's a california christmas ♪
♪ and it's the best time of the year ♪
- Entry key pad, motion sensors--
None of it was triggered.
- And you say he left through the chimney?
- Look, I've already entertained the lapd
For an hour, and they stared at me like I was a nutjob.
Is there any reason
Why the secret service needs an encore?
- We wouldn't be here if we thought
You were crazy, mr. Newley.
- Uhh! It's pretty narrow to climb.
And I'm guessing santa's, you know, bowl full o' jelly--
- No, he didn't climb up there. He...
He whooshed.
And twinkled.
- Whooshed and twinkled.
That definitely sounds like someone's using something.
- Yeah. - Absolutely not.
I will take a drug test. I will prove it to you.
- No, no, no, no. That's not what he meant.
- Believe me, guy, you're lucky.
A whoosh and a twinkle is a lot better
Than a sizzle and a splat,
Or even worse, a zzz-zap and ker-chow!
- Pete.
- Okay, so, mr. Newley, do you have any, uh, enemies?
- Well, I'm rich, I'm successful, I'm thin.
That usually pisses somebody off.
- No, I meant someone with a motive.
It says here that you're starting demolition
On a new shopping mall.
Is there anyone being evicted?
- There's just some junky old shops
That nobody ever goes to.
And one guy's pretty cheesed, but, you know, it happens.
- Sounds motivational.
- Let's go talk to him. - Let's.
- Mm-hmm. - Now?
- Yes. - Yeah.
- Oh!
[flatulence sound effect]
[laughter]
- Now remember, just slide it under your uncle's butt
Just before he sits down.
It'll be hilarious.
All right, have fun.
Oh, great. What's this?
You got some fancy lawyers with you this time, newley?
- Someone attacked my home.
Mr. Wilkie, secret service.
- Oh, well, aren't we important?
Look, if you find the guy, send me his name, okay?
I'll send him over one of my best rubber chickens.
- Very funny. Where's the rest of the santa suit?
- What is that, a fat joke?
- Where were you two nights ago?
- I was right here, surfing job web sites.
Don't know if you heard, but I'm getting put out of business.
- If you or any of the others have any complaints,
Please just take it up with my office.
I am giving you way more than this place is worth.
- My father built this place!
Keep your money!
Nobody wants another mall.
- Mr. Wilkie, stores like this are going extinct.
Cash in while you can.
Right after new year's, this whole block comes down.
[door slams]
- Pete.
- Ah cha chadda cha cha!
- Pete, please don't.
- What? Stocking stuffers.
My kid sister loves these things.
- The man's insane. He sells plastic vomit.
- I love that stuff. I should have bought some.
- But evicting him after new year's?
Not exactly in the holiday spirit.
- Did I mention that we're paying him?
And what has more holiday spirit than a mall?
I mean, people go to my malls to celebrate christmas!
We have santa's villages, huge trees.
When was the last time you were in a mom and pop store?
- I grew up in a mom and pop store.
- Okay. You know I'm right, then.
God, I thought my staff were in
For at least half a day today.
- Pete, what is that?
- That just happened, right?
- It's going after newley.
- [screaming]
- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
- Aah! Aah!
Okay, this is happening, right?
Do you see this? This is happening.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yes! - Yes.
- Oh! - [panting]
Aah!
- I've been watching you, larry noodle,
And I'm very disappointed!
You're not being the man that they deserve!
These are not what's important!
[clatter]
- You seriously pissed that guy off.
- Time's running out!
Fix your life, or I'm gonna take it from you!
- Good-bye, larry noodle!
- That was whooshing. - And twinkling.
- And a little ker-chow.
- Oh, my god.
Larry noodle?
No one's called me that since I was a kid.
- Myka...Myka, is it-- is it possible
That--that we saw the actual, real life--
- Don't! No!
- Santa?
- Artie, is it-- is it possible that--
- That yes, virginia, there really is a santa claus?
- The dude enters and exits through chimneys!
He travels across the room as fairy dust.
Look, Artie, this was the real santa, okay?
Oh, and by the way,
Be nice, because santa is bad-ass.
- There really was a saint nicholas
In fourth century turkey,
And he was known to have put coins in people's shoes.
- Real santa! Excellent! You know, I knew it!
Seriously, it explains so much.
- You're making a christmas list
In your head right now, aren't you?
- Maybe.
- He threatened newley's life.
- Well, the guy is a bit of a tool.
- Artie, is it possible that someone maybe
Has an artifact that lets them take the form of santa?
- Well, there are other christmas legends,
Um, involving darker, imp-like spirits.
Like, that was krampus, and there's also black peter.
There are more. I'll keep doing the research.
- Artie, where's Claudia? - My own dark imp?
Yeah, I suspect she's off
Plotting another holiday surprise.
- Too busy making money to keep a promise to your daughter?
- Now is not a good time, lila.
- You said that you were gonna decorate the tree!
- I never said that, okay?
And listen, by the way, I sent over
Some incredibly expensive antique ornaments.
Did you even bother to give them to her?
- Not really the same as her dad being here.
- Look, I know my daughter,
And I know that she happens to like things like that.
She is an old soul. - And she's getting older!
Another year gone by, larry.
How many are you gonna miss?
[phone beeps]
[dial tone]
[phone beeps]
- I never made any promise.
I'm buried with work.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me,
I, uh-- I have two meetings
That I have to get to right away.
- Why would she lie? - Well, she's my ex-wife.
That's what she does. - She could be behind this.
- I got a thought.
Myks, why don't you go interview the ex?
Big lar and I will spend some q-time with the daughter, huh?
What do you say about that, huh? Come on.
- Well-- - Cancel your meetings.
Here we go. All right. Here we go.
- I--
- Come on, I hear philadelphia is beautiful this time of year.
- So, as it turns out, calling 486 piano tuners,
Turns out it's harder to split three ways
When only one of you can pronounce glucky, uh...
Globben-killer...
- Gluckklavier. - Yes.
Anyway, so we were about to ditch the whole plan
When one of them says that this gluckenthing
Uses special tuning pins that are only made
By this one company in germany,
So my kinda-german-speaking brother
Gets them on the horn, they narrow the list down
To the couple of piano tuners in philly
Who actually buy them, and here I am.
- I can't imagine what's so special
About an old piano gathering dust in a corner.
Is there hidden treasure inside?
- Doubtful.
But stranger things...
Let's see.
Ha! Holy bah-humbug, Marley!
- It's marla. - Right. I'm so sorry.
Um, it's--wow. This is just Artie's--
It's my boss' initials.
I can't believe this is really it.
How much do you want for it? Please say not much.
- Let me get mr. Weisfelt. He owns it, not the school.
- Unbelievable. Bro, I found it. Yeah.
Merion music school. Get your butt over here.
Weisfelt?
- You want to buy this piano? Why?
- Claude? Are you still there?
- Hmm? I--do you hear me?
Do you wanna buy this piano? Why?
- [clears throat]
You're Artie's father.
- What? Oh. I forgot I had these in.
Hearing the little bastards bang out moonlight sonata--
No wonder beethoven went deaf.
- Best christmas present ever.
- I--I love fruitcake.
- Here you go, daddy.
- Thanks, honey.
- Man, this looks...
[tooth cracks]
Ow.
I mean...
[british accent] 'ow delicious is this, lassie?
[laughs] I love it, it's--
- Dude, it's not like I baked it.
- Oh, thank god.
- [laughs]
- Oh, my god. We have the exact same ornament at my house.
Christmas is a pretty big deal there too.
- Kallie loves the old-fashioned ornaments.
She and her father used to scour the swap meets.
Back when larry didn't work every weekend.
- Do you any idea who might be threatening him?
I don't know-- maybe a new man in your life
Who thinks he might be doing you a favor?
- There's no one new.
- Have ever heard anyone
Refer to your ex-husband as "larry noodle"?
- [laughs] wow. Larry noodle?
I haven't heard that since he was a teenager.
He hated that nickname.
- So you guys have known each other for a really long time.
- High school. - Wow.
- Yeah. God, we were so happy when we had nothing.
And then, the more successful he became,
The more that that was the only thing that mattered.
Larry noodle. I miss him.
He was sweet.
- No! Oh, no! Forget it!
No, no, no! Excuse me.
- Artie's father. - I can see it.
- You have to come with me! He's your son!
- My son! He disappeared!
For years! Who does that?
- Eh, it happens more often than you think.
- Who the hell are you? - He had to change his name!
Do you know he did that to protect you?
- Yeah? From what?
Oh, never mind, I don't wanna know!
- He'll explain it to you. There's your ice-breaker!
- My ice-breaker? How about I break his neck, huh?
He wanted me to believe he's dead, so he's dead!
- Not yet, but soon!
He's dying.
That's right. Artie's dying.
I came here to beg you to see him, to say good-bye.
To your son. Who's dying.
- Claudia, you sure you should be telling him that?
- Artie's dad deserves the truth.
- Yeah, I agree. He does.
But Artie might be a little angry--
- If I tell him everything?
- You mean there's more? - Oh, yes.
That Artie's too ashamed to call you himself.
That he's gonna take that guilt to his grave.
- Yeah, but--but he's-- - After he dies.
- All right. All right, you wait here.
And I'll come with you.
- You are going to hell. - I know!
- Kallie said you'd be out here.
You just can't help yourself, can you?
- I'm sorry, but I have contracts
That I have to close today,
Or else the whole deal falls through.
I don't know about secret agents,
But I can't just drop everything if I feel like it.
- Oh, no, I can relate.
I'm stuck here trying to save your ungrateful butt.
- You think I worked this hard for myself?
I want her to have what I didn't have. This is all for her.
This is so kallie gets everything she wants.
- Right.
[whooshing]
- Oh, god, no. Please, not again!
[gasps]
- I'm giving you every chance, larry!
Every chance to make things right!
- Okay, look,
I don't know who the hell you think you are but--
Oh, my--aah! Aah!
What is happening here?
- Check on kallie and stay inside.
- Oh, my god.
- That happen a lot?
- Change your ways by midnight,
Or I'll turn you into the ghost of christmas past!
[electrical buzz]
- Okay, I'm officially scared now.
Can you just please--what was the thing with my hand?
- Pete, this isn't santa.
- It's you. - Me?
- Ho ho ho!
[maniacal laughter]
Tick-tock, larry noodle! Tick-tock!
- [gasps]
- Larry noodle disappears tonight!
Aah!
♪
- ♪ it's beginning to look a lot like christmas ♪
♪ everywhere you go
♪ take a look in the five and ten ♪
♪ glistening once again
♪ with candy canes and silver lanes aglow ♪
♪
- All doors, vents, and windows sealed.
No fairy-dust getting in.
You think this'll keep him out?
- You're asking me how santa claus works?
- Hey, I was wrong, Artie. This isn't santa claus.
Santa's nice. This is...Larry claus.
- No wonder he knows everything about you.
He is you.
- What does that even mean?
- Artie, the last time he appeared,
Our guy faded, but just for a second.
- That's not good. - Oh, you think?
- A duplicate shows up and the original starts to fade?
It sounds to me like you're dealing
With some kind of identity transference.
And eventually, your guy might just--
- What? Disappear completely?
- Okay, please slow down, okay?
Just who the hell are you people, huh?
- We're people who deal with this sort of thing.
- And what sort of thing is this?
- Look, larry noodle, you either start to trust us,
Or christmas eve comes and goes, and you go with it.
- All right, listen, listen.
Just keep him sealed up till after midnight.
- Got it. Kirk out.
- [sighs]
Oh! Where have you been?
- Oh. You missed me!
- I was worried. - Same thing.
- No, it's not. There'd be paperwork.
- I have a surprise for you. - Oh, I knew it!
Why can't you and your christmas gremlins
Leave me alone?
- Come on!
- Dad?
- I thought you'd be thinner.
- Would you, um, give us a minute?
- Well, it's been 30 years. What's another minute?
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow! You're pinching! Ow!
- What have you done? And what gives you the right?
- I thought you wanted to see him.
You wrote him that song.
- Song--noct-- the piano nocturne?
I would have contacted him in my own time!
- He's even older than you are.
How much time you think you have?
- You know what you're gonna do--
You're gonna undo whatever it is you did.
- Artie, he's dying. - Holy mother of god.
- Joshua knows too.
He's--he's dying, and he wants to make things right.
He doesn't wanna take this guilt to his grave,
That he pushed you away.
Go in there and talk to him.
[piano notes ring]
- Dad?
It's--it's good to see you.
- We--we brought "glucky."
- I-I see. Thank--thanks.
- Heh. You little pisher.
Ah!
- ♪ christmas time is here again thank heaven ♪
♪ time for fa-la-las and deck the halls ♪
- California christmas. Yech.
- And then there's this guy.
You know, I think about my dad.
If he'd had the chance, he'd have been there
For every birthday, every christmas,
Every morning I woke up.
This guy, he has no idea what he has.
- My dad was a lot like him.
He was busy. Never home.
Funny thing is, now that we have a good relationship,
I'm the one that's too busy.
- cat's in the cradle, huh?
[knock on door]
- Hey, how are you doing?
- Hi. - Is he here? Where is he?
- What--what-- what are you doing here?
- You called me!
Who knew you had a sense of humor?
- Newley, get back in the safe room.
- What--what are you--? - I got the letter.
You called off the demolition.
I came as soon as I could. - I did what?
What letter? This is--oh, my god.
That is my signature. He's signing my name now.
- What are you talking about? Who's signing your name?
What, are you trying to back off on this?
- No, I'm not trying to back out of anything.
I mean, well, yes, I am trying to back out.
This is a forgery. I never sent this letter.
Okay, wilkie? It's time for you to go home now, please.
Okay, now, you better just go home
Before things just get really--
- Newley, look out!
- Ho ho ho!
- What the hell was that?
- That was-- - Twinkle and whoosh.
- And kidnapping.
- Help me!
- He'd come down the stairs.
- What about-- what about cousin sylvia?
- Even she found a man.
- No! - Yeah.
- With that voice?
- Oh, he can't hear anything over middle c,
So I guess it works.
[laughter]
- Oh, my god. - Yeah.
- Well, a lid for every pot, huh?
Dad...
I'm really sorry that we lost so much time.
- I know. It's a shame.
And now, with so little left.
- I know. Life, huh?
- God's mysterious ways. - Yeah.
- You know, I never heard.
What is it? - What is what?
- The annoying girl, I never asked her
What you're dying of.
- Me? She told me that you were dying.
- Hey! You know what I'd like to hear?
The two of you play piano together.
Huh? Artie? Izzy?
How much fun would that be?
- You're not dying?
- Well, don't sound so disappointed.
- You disappeared from the face of the earth!
- After you disowned me!
- You spit on us!
Your mother and me, we worked two jobs
To send you to juilliard,
And you threw it all away to work for what?
Those fascists!
- It's the u.S. Government I work for!
They're not fascists!
- Oh, no? - No!
- Ever hear of mccarthy? - Oh, please.
- I couldn't work for years
Because I had family in, what, russia?
- Don't tell me about the family in russia, dad.
I know all about the family in russia.
- You never had the sense of a dog in the street!
- Oh, is that right? - Boys, boys, boys!
Can--can we just--
- Haven't you caused enough trouble?
- This is none of your business, girlie!
- Don't point your guns at me.
I'm just trying to make your lives better!
- Who asked you to? You lied to me!
- How could you say that we're dying?
- Aren't we all dying, really?
- Shame on you! You're a liar!
- She has no respect at all! None, none!
- A devil child.
- You don't know the half of it.
She never, never, never does as she's told.
- No manners at all!
You know who she reminds me of?
- Who? - Trudie.
- Exactly like trudie. The same--same girl.
She always puts her nose
Into everybody else's business.
- Yeah, she thinks she knows everything, huh?
- And that mouth on her. Yap-yap-yap-yap.
- Yeah, yap-yap-yap-yap-yap.
- God! - She not yours, is she?
- No! God, no! No, no, no.
She wasn't even born of man.
She noodged her way into existence!
- [laughs] that's very good.
Noodged!
[laughter]
- You know, she reminds me of trudie.
- That's what I said. - Yeah.
Do you remember trudie's wedding?
- Remember? I'm still hungry!
- [laughs]
- Okay, so larry santa
Took larry noodle up to the sky.
- Yeah, he said until midnight,
So we have a-- have a few hours.
- Right. So larry noodle's still alive,
If we can find him.
- What are you doing?
- Well, he's not gonna finish it.
- You will eat anything, won't you?
Okay. So where would his santa double take him?
I mean, some kind of hideout?
- [snaps fingers] the north pole.
- We hope not.
All right, and santa newley came out of newley.
Then where would the real newley consider home?
- Lila's? Uh, lila and kallie.
- And kallie collects ornaments.
- Okay, so what are you thinking?
- I think I've seen the artifact.
- My dad got that for me.
He knows I like antiques.
- I think he ordered them from germany or someplace.
- This picture of your ex-husband.
- Yeah, larry used to dress up for the neighborhood kids
As santa.
Kallie loved it.
They both did.
- Myka, can I see that for a sec?
- Sure.
- You know, these are old shell casings.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, well, uh...
I might know what this is.
Have you guys ever heard of the christmas ceasefire?
- You mean, during world war I?
- exactement!
All right, well, when I was in the marine corps,
I had a drill instructor.
He loved telling this story.
[clears throat]
It was christmas eve, 1914.
I'm not talking, like, l.A. Christmas.
I'm talking, like, belgian christmas.
I'm talking, like, icicles hanging off your nose
And snow down your pants.
And even though there was no formal truce,
The german soldiers,
They started lighting candles in the trenches
And singing christmas carols.
And then, in the distance,
The british soldiers joined in.
All of a sudden, these sworn enemies,
Who were only seconds before fighting one other,
Were meeting in no-man's land between the trenches.
Exchanging gifts,
Candy, souvenirs,
And lots of improvised stuff.
- If there was ever a moment
That could infuse an object
And turn it into an artifact--
- This would be one.
So what do we do? Goo it and see what happens?
- Not without eyes on newley.
We wouldn't know which one survived.
Kallie, why this picture?
- Well, I love that picture.
Dad was so much fun when he was santa.
- So I guess you were wishing for things
To be like they were when your dad was santa.
- Mm, yeah, I guess. - It's okay.
I used to make a lot of wishes like that
When I was your age too.
- That was the last christmas we spent all together.
Before you guys, you know...
- It was the year before he opened his first mall
And his business really took off.
- "what has more holiday spirit than a mall?"
That's what he said.
- That's where santa newley might consider home.
We have to get to that mall.
- Okay, guys. Don't worry.
We'll call you in a little bit.
We're gonna take the, uh-- we're--the--this.
We're taking this with us. - Okay. Bye.
- And just a cookie.
Cookie! Okay. All right, bye.
[electrical buzz]
- Aah!
Aah!
- Look, larry, your shopping mall!
- Thanks. What do you want with me?
- I've given you lots of chances
To be a better larry, larry.
And you've blown every one.
I'm the man they need, not you!
You never keep my promises!
[laughs]
- You--you promised that I'd help trim the tree.
- Would that have been so hard?
- And you sent that letter to wilkie.
- So you could do the right thing.
But you never do!
People deserve better from you, larry.
Kallie deserves a father who is there.
Now she's going to get one.
- Aah!
What are you doing with-- what is this?
- In a few minutes, you will be gone
And then I'll be real.
- No! No!
- [laughs]
Good-bye, larry noodle! Good-bye!
[laughs]
- You gotta admit, the guy's got christmas spirit.
- Come on.
- Help! He's making me disappear!
- Okay, so we know the tesla won't work.
- The last time newley faded,
I touched his arm and he came back.
- So human contact stops the process.
You--you grab newley. I'll bag the ornament.
- Okay.
- Oh, look, santa's little army.
Aren't they cute?
[groans]
Right. Nutcracker.
[thud]
- Pete? Pete! Okay, wait!
[gunshot]
[shattering glass]
[cocks rifle]
- Okay, hold your fire.
Newley, brace yourself.
[electric buzz]
- Gaah!
- [laughs]
- Nothing.
- What was that?
- That was plan "a" not working.
[groans]
- That was the ornament you sent kallie.
She wished this--this santa into being.
- Kallie wished for me to replace him.
- No, no, she wished for the dad that she knew
Before you became all about work and money.
- I did it for her! She doesn't understand!
- She's just a little girl!
All she knows is that you are not there.
- There just isn't enough time.
- Well, you should have made the time!
The world will be a better place with me
Instead of you, larry!
Kallie will have a better father!
- No!
- Leave my dad alone!
- Kallie!
- How did she do that?
- She's a kid. It's christmas.
- He'll never change, kallie.
He'll never make the time for you.
- I don't care!
I want him no matter how he is!
Even if he never comes over!
Don't you hurt him!
- Please, you've got to give me one more chance.
Please! - Stop it!
This is my fault! - Oh, kallie, honey.
It's not your fault. I did this.
I did this to myself. To us.
It's my fault!
I never meant this to happen.
It's just that I--
Aw, hell, what good is money if I'm never there, huh?
You keep growing up,
And if I'm not part of your life,
If I'm just the guy who pays the bills,
Who jokes with you online,
Then I might as well just f-f-fade away.
I don't want to fade away.
I want to be there for you.
I want to be the dad you remember.
More than anything.
- Now, kallie! Your dad needs a hug!
- Daddy! - [groans]
- Daddy!
- ♪ I don't want a lot for christmas ♪
♪ there is just one thing I need ♪
♪ all I want for christmas ♪
- Oh, sweetie.
- ♪ is
♪ you
- Come on, Myka!
What'd ya get me, what'd ya get me, what'd ya get me?
- No, no, and no.
We are not opening our gifts until after dinner!
- But I told you what I got you!
- I know. Why would you do that?
- Do you like it? Do you like it? Do you like it?
- [groans]
[door slams]
I'm wearing your coat.
- Captain nemo!
- I'm freezing.
- You are supposed to button it.
- Oh.
I thought the buttons were decorative.
- Yeah, well, on you, all buttons are decorative.
- Okay, you know what?
- No, no, no, you're right, as always.
I will buy you some long johns to wear under.
- [laughs] - I smell turkey.
- [gasps] my turkey. My turkey!
- Son. - Dad.
- Yeah? - Listen.
I just-- I want you to know,
The work that I did and, you know, I'm still doing,
It's good work, dad,
And there's a lot of people better off--
- Arthur, arthur!
You told me it was necessary. I believe you.
- Good, because when we started this--
- Arthur, enough. You're already getting an "a."
You want to work yourself down to a "b"?
- All right.
- You see,
It was when you walked away from music,
That was hard.
- No, I didn't walk--
Walk away from music.
I brought this to-- remember?
- [gasps] yeah.
- Look at the back.
See, I-- - Finished it.
- Yeah.
- Well, now.
Now you must play it.
- No, no, no, not now. Now?
- Well, when else?
You want to wait another 30 years?
- All right, all right.
Now, you've got to remember,
It's a work in progress, so--
- Yes, it's always a work in progress.
Progress is what it's all made of.
- All right.
[playing music]
- Your fingering, it's still a nightmare.
- Dad, dad, I wrote this!
- Yeah. Shakespeare wrote plays.
It doesn't mean he could act.
- You're ruining a perfect moment.
- I know, but you're ruining a perfectly good piece of music.
Here, let me fix the hands.
- There's nothing wrong.
- Here, like that.
- No, dad, move your hand away.
- Eh-eh-eh! [mutters]
- Mmm! Mmm!
- Do not eat the stuffing out of the bowl!
- Why not? It's delicious!
- I don't want your cooties!
Oh, hey, are you guys doing presents?
- Not until after dinner, remember?
- I know I'm supposed to wait, but--
- Claudia had one made for each of us.
Check it out. - Merry christmas!
- Oh, my god! I love it!
- Oh, wow! - Oh! I love it!
- It's the artifact that almost killed each of us.
How...Thoughtful?
- Just shut up and say thank you.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
[air kisses]
- This one here. - Yep, this one's Artie's.
- And this one is Leena's.
- Oh, look, the pearl of wisdom.
- Hello, hello, a little help, please?
- I got it.
- Artie, izzy, soup's on!
- You know, I'm sorry
That you didn't get to spend christmas
With your family.
- Well, thanks. You too.
But you know, after watching newley,
I realized I was already with someone
That I cared about, and that's what matters, right?
- Don't you get all mushy and sweet.
- Oh, all right.
Ophelia tetons. Bam! All right!
Let's get this party started, shall we?
Hello.
All right, who wants white meat
And who wants dark meat? - Dark, please.
- I want white, please. - You want white?
- Somebody's supposed to say some words before our--
- Are you talking about grace?
We call it grace. - Yes, grace.
- Yes, grace. Maybe the annoying--
The annoying gentile, why don't you--
[laughter]
- Fine, you want to join hands?
- No. - Very well.
baruch atah adonai eloheinu melech--
- Ah! - Oh!
- But--but she's doing it wrong.
- No, I'm not.
[overlapping chatter]
- Tell her. You can't say adonai--
[overlapping chatter]
[cheering]
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